My #1 "secret" to building self-love (spread the word!)
Sometimes I find myself pondering the question: Who ever knew that loving yourself could be so hard? I’ve often found myself wondering why it felt so easy to be kind to others while the incessant chatter inside my head was cruel and unforgiving. I would stand in front of the mirror or be sitting in class, stuck inside my head and going down what I like to call a “shit spiral,” clouded in self-judgment and fear. I’d go down so deep that I wouldn’t even realize I was there: blank look on my face, completely unaware of the life that was happening around me. I was missing out on connection and love. I was missing out on the moment.
Does any of this sound familiar?
The secret to beginning to build self-love is simple, though not always easy to apply. It’s awareness. Oftentimes we are so caught up in the negative story line inside of our head that we don’t even realize we are checked out (of life, of love, of true, deep intimate connection with ourselves and others). Personally, I got sick of noticing that an entire day, evening or event would go by and I spent the majority of the time second guessing my existence rather than enjoying the moment. When I am stuck in self, I am of no service to myself or others.
How does one build awareness, in an effort to quiet the shit talker inside their head? From my experience, meditation and mindful self check-ins have been incredibly useful—and humbling (of the 60,000 plus thoughts we have per day, I was slightly put off by how many were of me me me me me me).
A quick breakdown of the tools I have found to be effective:
Meditation: No need to buy a cushion or a 10 pack to one of those sexy meditation studios (though it’s fair to say, if you’re gonna spend money, it’s a nice investment in your self-care and meditating in a group feels incredibly nourishing in ways you may not imagine). From experience, a good place to start is with educating yourself a bit on the practice and trying a less expensive alternative to meditation studios by downloading Insight Timer (mentioned in my resources section).
Start small. I’m talking 2-5 minute daily sits. Yep: daily. Through trial and error, discover the best time of day that will keep you committed. Take an extra 30-60 seconds post-sit to just BE. Breathe, slowly open your eyes and allow the lovely feeling of being more grounded to set in. Even if you spend the entire 2-5 minutes on a “thought train,” trying (again and again and again) to get yourself back to your breath, don’t attach and don’t judge. And I can almost guarantee*, you will still feel more serene.
Note: I said “almost” guarantee ;)
Self check-ins: This is exactly what it sounds like. We (as in me) are so often operating on auto-pilot, that we don’t take even .5 seconds to check-in with ourselves to notice how we sincerely feel. Are we even breathing? Set your phone alarm to go off 2x per day, perhaps once mid morning and once later in the afternoon. Use these times to pause and check-in with yourself. Ask yourself how you are doing, what you may need in this moment (a reset? a hug? a life line?). Try to effectively get your needs met—reach out to a friend if you need support, take a longer pause if you feel like slowing down is the answer, or applaud yourself if you’re feeling peachy.
Self-love starts with awareness—once we become aware of the negative-self talk, we can start to shift the story. We have the ability to subscribe to a positive narrative (even if we don’t believe it at first!) rather than allowing ourselves to stay stuck.
Spoiler alert: I don’t think there is a way to perfect this art. You just keep trying. I still get stuck all the time—but the difference is I don’t stay there very long. And that truly makes the difference.