Missing Peace
Do you ever feel like you are playing a game of CSI with your own life: attempting to solve the mystery behind why a friend seems to have dropped out of your life, why the person you love decided they no longer love you back or why [insert family member here] may never show up for you in the way you’ve always longed for? CSI Samantha: I will put the pieces of this crazy, 1,000,000 piece puzzle together even if it drives me completely bananas—and trust me, folks: it will.
The truth is, some puzzles weren’t meant to be solved (…I gently remind myself daily). Sometimes we just have to sit with the discomfort of not knowing and gain insight into our own behavior, take a look at our side of the street, and let that other shit go. So not fun! I know!
But ya know what else is SO not fun? Ruminating. Having make believe conversations in your head with said friend/partner/workmate/family member that will likely never happen—or perhaps that already have happened and just didn’t go according “to our plan.” Berating yourself for what could have happened, should have happened, maybe probably still could happen.* Swimming in a sea of any of these “selfs”: self-pity, self-doubt, self-judgment.
*If you’re caught up in the “maybe probably” stage, you definitely have not let go yet. No worries—totally human. Normal. This takes time and work.
Ruminating, berating, judgment and self-pity are far less fun than learning how to feel our way through and gently, eventually, learn to let go. You deserve to feel at ease. You deserve to feel at peace. Below are a few things to consider to help yourself release that which is no longer serving you.
Feel those feels. I’m not suggesting you talk about them, rationalize them or intellectualize them. I’m suggesting you FEEL THEM. Feel what you are feeling. Get angry, sad, annoyed, irritated. Cry, scream, throw a little fit (or a big one), punch a pillow, cry some more. Really feel it. Let the feelings move through you and out of your system. You are entitled to your feelings- all of them. If you feel it, it is true for you. So give yourself space and time to experience what you are feeling.
What is the Universal lesson? Even though some may roll their eyes at this question—especially if you are in the thick of the shitty feelings—the truth of the matter is that there is always a Universal lesson. And most often, it has little-to-nothing to do with who is delivering that message and everything to do with you. This is a tricky practice to engage in at times because it can take a few days, or weeks, or even years to figure out exactly what the lesson may be. Don’t anticipate a big sign or quick light bulb moment (though not impossible) that revels said lesson. Do expect clarity to come—cause in time, it will. Begin by getting curious, about yourself, about what you’ve been grasping on to from said other person, about how this pattern may be familiar for you. Remind yourself that there’s a deeper meaning to your pain and that what it may reveal could be one of your greatest teachers of all time. As the Dali Lama said, “In the practice of tolerance, one's enemy is the best teacher.” Instead of why is this happening to me, consider why is this happening for me?
Focus on the good shit. Or, more eloquently put in A Course in Miracles via Gabby Bernstein’s The Universe Has Your Back, “I focus my attention on the love that is around me, and I expect miracles.” What is a miracle, you ask? Simply put: a perspective shift. I don’t know about you, but if my perspective on certain life circumstances shifted, it would indeed be a miracle! Applying this simple yet profound statement to your life can be a real game changer. It starts with awareness: we need to first become aware that we’re stuck in unpleasant thoughts that are not serving us. Once we’ve gained that awareness, what are we gonna do with it? Continue to stew? Go deeper down into that shit spiral? How about we start to shift our perspective: we connect with gratitude, with a friend that does show up for us, with a family member that feeds our soul. Rather than lookin’ for love in all the wrong places (been guilty of that!), let’s start looking at the love that is within us and around us and loving on us in this very moment.
Truth be told, applying these tools takes work. Letting go, especially of someone (partner, family member, friend) we love (and the ways in which we wish they could, would, should love us in return), is a grieving process. And grieving is not a linear process. We cannot put a time stamp on it. So expect hurdles. Expect a little sweat and perhaps a lot of tears. And please know, you are not (ever) alone.