One Question, Six Words, Big Shifts

I’ve been repeating this phrase (see below) for ions, and quite frankly, I’ve always thought it to be brilliant—i can say this because I rarely, if ever (read: NEVER), refer to myself as brilliant—but this phrase has made me second guess whether or not I actually can coin it my own, or if perhaps I heard someone say it many moons ago, in another lifetime:

Lack of communication is the number one killer.

Yep. I think there is so much truth to that juicy little statement. We kill relationships, we kill our self-worth, and most of all, we kill our sanity when we don’t communicate what we are thinking, feeling or needing to [insert name of friend, family member, your partner here]. Rather than communicate, we choose to keep our lips sealed and suffer in silence.

Why? Because vulnerability is scary. It is vulnerable to speak our truth and share the stories inside our head. Which is a real shame given that oftentimes the narrative we are attaching to are not accurate—we may be operating under false assumptions and driving ourselves mad because of it! So instead of communicating, we shut down, avoid, or sidestep important conversations. But even when we use these tactics, the thoughts are still running circles inside our mind, building resentment inside our heart and resulting in a feeling of discomfort and dis-ease.

It’s more than likely that we have all been on both the receiving end of this non-communicative approach, as well as the person who is struggling to communicate our feels. I’d like to offer a little help with a simple question that can jump-start the process to break down the barrier of non-communication. That questions is:

What do you need from me?

Sit for a moment, close your eyes, repeat that question to yourself. What would it feel like to hear that from your partner? What would it feel like to say that to a friend?

Because we live in a world that can be rife with judgment, that’s quick to label with words like codependency, clingy and needy, I think we’ve begun to forget that we do need people: people need people. Needing does not make you needy. Needing makes you human. It makes you someone who knows that you cannot do everything on your own, and that sometimes, leaning on a loving other is [more than] OK.

Side note: I would be remiss not to mention that there are individuals who struggle to be in healthy relationship with others, who put the needs of others before those of their own. If this sounds like you, read more about that here. Please do not judge yourself. This may just be something you need a little assistance with—and how brave of you to seek that out.

I encourage you to muster up the courage to ask for your needs to be met, to reach out to someone and share your truth and to allow yourself to be seen. Or, if you notice someone you love who appears to be struggling to communicate their needs, now may be a good time to recite those six little words; six little words that might just result in a big shift in your communication and connection: What do you need from me?

It may feel scary at first (trust: it scares me, too), but the alternative—negative story lines swarming inside your head, missing out on building a stronger sense of intimacy in your relationships, possibly losing relationships, feeling lonely—is far more scary.

Spoiler alert: If you put this tool to practice, you will feel the love.