Simple, but not easy.
About a month ago, I was on the phone with one of my closest girlfriends. I recently had a minor disagreement with [insert name of redacted family member here] and was feeling enraged by the exchange. What made things more frustrating [insert awareness around me me me me selfish focus here] was that the following day was a celebration of said person and I felt it was only appropriate to show up for them with the love and respect that they very much deserved.
“Just let it go,” my girlfriend said in a very laze faire manner.
My first thought: Just let it go!? Screw you and screw that!
Then I took a pause. I took a breath. I decided not to judge myself for my first thought, and to instead consider allowing her words to soak in: just let it go. Something I work hard to practice in my daily life. Heck I have let go tattooed on my right wrist—which, as you may now realize, does not make you an expert on the matter. And, this may also come as news to you, nor does being a therapist. This work is a process for professionals, too. I encourage you to practice grace and patience, namely with yourself, while you embark on this wild ride we call life.
When the student is ready the teacher will appear.
For some reason, on this day, with this particular delivery of a message I have been both receiving and offering up for many years, it sunk in and impacted me in a more profound way. What was I holding on to? Why was I so irritated? Sure, there are historical circumstances that make us more reactive, particularly within our family system, but there’s also another factor here that keeps us hooked in this ineffective loop: there’s an addictive quality to it. We start to feel attached to our anger, sure of it, confident in our stance against [insert person, place, thing here]. It can ignite a false sense of empowerment and overshadow more challenging feelings to get in touch with, such as hurt or deep wounds we need to address. Furthermore, our thoughts continue to fuel and add fire to our anger (and any emotion): In Pema Chodron’s Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change, she references research of the physiological mechanism behind emotions, sharing that:
“An emotion like anger that’s an automatic response lasts just ninety seconds from the moment it’s triggered until it runs it’s course….When it lasts longer, which it usually does, it’s because we’ve rekindled it…we fuel it with our thoughts, and what should last one and a half minutes may be drawn out for ten or twenty years.”
Take a moment. Digest that.
Is anger bad? Not at all. Anger is 100% OK and necessary—all emotions are. It’s important, however, that we don’t hold on to it and that when we do express it, we do so effectively. Oftentimes it’s best to wait to communicate feelings of anger after the heat of the moment has passed, and we have taken space and time to process the experience.
So how do we work on leaning into the process of letting go, whether it be of anger, fear, resentment, pain, etc? Here are a few thoughts that can help you to get you started:
Observe your thoughts with compassion and curiosity: Instead of judging yourself or overly identifying with your thoughts, try taking a step back and observing them, like a friendly bystander. Are these thoughts lifting or lowering your energy? Are they possibly being fueled by past circumstances? Be curious about what comes up and when you notice what it is, impart compassion upon yourself. Remember: “You cannot hate yourself into better behavior.” (thank you, Tara Brach). Try this approach, and just see if you are able to shift your experience.
Connect with compassion for the other: I know it may feel impossible, but try to find space from your experience long enough to consider what the other person in this scenario may be thinking or feeling. What historical “data” have they brought into this interaction? Could they be having a hard day? Get outside of yourself long enough to realize: he/she is me. Yes, that’s right: we are the same. We are all bringing some raw emotions and thoughts, along with history, to the table. Can we make space at this table for all of it? For all of them? For all of us? Note: if you sincerely are the other, as in your anger or resentment is aimed at yourself, this step is equally as, if not more, important. Can you impart compassion upon yourself? Can you connect with love rather than judging, berating or beating yourself up? Again: just try this approach and see if you are able to shift your experience.
Remember, this work looks different for everyone. Perhaps you need time to be with your feelings before you begin the process of letting go. This may be new for you, and time (for yourself) and patience (with yourself) is important. A good therapist, coach or friend to navigate this with can be helpful, too. Wherever you are on your journey toward learning how to let go, remember that it is exactly where you are supposed to be for today.
Honor your process. Simple, but not easy.