Sitting in the Suck

Quick disclaimer: These posts are meant to give quick, sometimes fun, hopefully (always) effective tips, tools, tricks etc. to help guide you through this crazy journey we call life. They are in no way a replacement for the connection, work and relief you can get from one on one therapy or any other form of help that you may deem necessary. If you are struggling and need assistance, I implore you to reach out and get it. It takes great courage to seek out what you need—it will make a difference—and you deserve it.

Is it just me, or have we all mastered the art of avoiding, numbing, suppressing, stuffing and running from our feelings? And I’m not just talking about the more obvious illustrations, like drinking enough vodka so that you intentionally cannot see straight. It seems we will use anything, and everything, to avoid sitting with ourselves: phones, food, computers, exercise, work, packing our schedules so full that we hardly have a moment to breathe…We don’t want to feel the sadness around a miscommunication with family, we don’t want to feel the pain of a broken heart, we don’t want to embrace the discomfort of lonely, we don’t want to experience the grief of loss and we don’t want to invite in the possibility of how leaning in to the hard stuff may be too tough to bare or may be more than we can handle on our own.*

*It may very well be at first. You may need professional guidance to gain some more insight and healthy coping skills—please reread disclaimer above.

However, the question I ask you is: How has the alternative been working out for you? You know, all that avoiding, numbing, suppressing, stuffing and running. Does it work? If your answer is yes, fair enough. You’re right. For a very short while, it does work. It keeps us feeling safe. We don’t have to deal with the shit we don’t think we are capable of dealing with. When we avoid, numb, suppress, stuff and run, we are trying protect ourselves (smart cookies, we are). Until it stops. Rather abruptly, at that. And sometimes, we are so deep into our behavior/pattern/habit/possibly full blown addiction, that we don’t know how to stop. And we really need help (again, if this is you, please see disclaimer above).

So okay, let’s review: First, we are feeling things, then we do [insert behavior here] in an effort to not feel things, and although it may work temporarily, we still find ourselves unhappy, hurting, and quite possibly (in fact often), in more pain.

May I suggest an alternative? Let’s sit in the suck.

Yes, I realize how silly and ludicrous and unsexy this sounds…but just hear me out! If the only way out truly is through, than we have to sit through and experience what we are feeling in order to come out the other side. And I pinky swear promise, it can feel really, really good. I will not lie and tell you it is easy. I will not pretend like it’s a hoot. And still, I am telling you, it is worth it (you are worth it) and it works.

How exactly does one sit in the suck: by spending some time disconnected from your phone and all other distractions so you can JUST BE. I’m not suggesting you “let go” or have a change of heart or forgive, forget or resolve. For now, all you have to do is JUST BE (simple, but not easy). Be with yourself, let those tears surface, journal the thoughts and feelings that arise within. There is no need to run or hide—we can never out run ourselves. Ever. Trust me: I’ve tried.. So just be with yourself. Every fear. Every flaw. Every inch of beauty, strength and resilience you have packed inside your bubbling lil’ heart. JUST BE.

And once you have given yourself space and time just for you, to JUST BE, then perhaps it’s time to phone a friend and plan a fun activity, to do whatever act of service or self-care that most resonates with you, to start to take steps toward forgiveness, letting go or whatever else may help your soul to heal.

Sit in the suck. Feel your feels. Let the tears trickle down your cheeks. We need to lean in—not marinate, not play victim, not wallow in self-pity—lean in. When we lean in, we learn how to love and accept ourselves and how to love and accept what is (even, yes, the sucky things). Then, and only then, will we be able to start taking (baby) steps forward.