Struggling to love your whole self? Me too.

Not too long ago, I told a colleague “Please feel free to call me anytime! I’m always happy to be of service.” A few days later I got The Call I so graciously offered to be available for.

The Caller: “Hi Samantha. Do you have a minute?”

Me: “Yes. Literally, like, one minute. What’s up?”

While I shifted my tune as the call progressed, and I did my best to be the human I had suggested myself to be just several days earlier, I could not shake how irritated, impatient and entitled I initially felt—and presented like. Yes, yes: call me anytime, colleague…except for: On a Friday when I’ve just left the office and am headed to embrace nature, when I am already preoccupied with other matters (which, for most of us, is essentially 95% of the time), when I am practicing yoga, lunchtime and dinnertime are big no’s…..

So basically: Never. Never, ever call me and allow me to be the kind, generous human I so sincerely believe myself to be as opposed to the selfish, irritable person I sounded like.

OKAY, WAIT.

Taking a giant step back and hitting pause. I realize these initial words are dripping with self-judgment. When I noticed this (the day of The Call) is when I realized I had to address this with myself, and I knew it would be a good topic to dive into here.

You may be familiar with the term shadow self, often referred to as the side(s) of ourselves that we disown. Loosely defined, it is considered to be, at first, unconscious, a part(s) of ourselves that we do not want to identify with.

Here’s a less a psychodynamic-esq truth I often share with my clients: we all have a sucky side. I don’t entirely love using the word sucky because I don’t think these parts of us suck—we were just taught to believe that they do*. There is something valuable to all sides, parts, pieces of ourselves. There is something that these truths can teach us—but only if we drop the judgment and slow down long enough to connect with compassion and allow these lessons in.

*Side Note: A great practice for starting to acknowledge both the good and the not-so-hot moments you have is by sharing them each evening over family dinner or in conversation with friend(s) or with your partner. Ask yourself (and each other): what went well today? And just as importantly, ask yourself what did not go so well today? Where could I have done better? When we start to own the not-so-hot stuff, especially if it is in the company of others, the shame we may be experiencing will likely begin to lift.

My lessons on the day of The Call?

Lesson #1: if I am not sincerely available to give someone my entire attention, which is what they deserve, than I should not answer my phone. If I see my phone ring, receive a text or an email pops into my inbox that elicites a jump in my nervous system, it’s best to stop, breathe and do a self-check in before proceeding. If that means not answering a call on a Friday afternoon after I’ve officially declared weeeeeekend, I am entitled to own that boundary. This does not make me a dismissive, mean or unkind person. In fact, it makes me a person who is mindful of both my needs and those of others. It would be far more kind to offer myself when I am truly open and can be receptive rather than in a rushed and frantic space—when I answer the phone and instead of saying hello may as well be saying “Fuck Off!”

Lesson #2: Meditation, prayer, any form of a spiritual practice or grounding practices will not result in perfection when these practices are put to the test in real life. They will, however, vastly improve what I like to call your Return Time: the time it takes you to notice you’ve gone into a reactive space will decrease dramatically and the time it takes you to return to a more grounded and responsive space will increase dramatically overtime. Pretty awesome if you ask me.

Lesson #3: Exposing this less than glamorous side of myself is both vulnerable and incredibly freeing. Mind you: this is just one small example of many (really pulling my own covers here!). This is where I remind you that self-compassion is key. I had to do a lot of nurturing with myself after The Call. I had to be honest with myself about my shortcomings and gentle with myself about my humanness.

Some questions to consider: Can you be honest with yourself about how you’d like to feel differently/do things differently while also being gentle with yourself on your way to getting there? Can you observe all parts of yourself with compassion? Can you try to accept these parts of you? Can you notice what’s coming up (irritation, jealousy, anger, fear, frustration), honor that feeling, and be curious about why it may be present?

Please don’t judge yourself for being a WHOLE human who feels all the feels, and who’s first thought may not always be one you’d like to write on posterboard and hang around your neck for public viewing. This does not make you less than. This makes you real. Congratulations: You’re a real human being.

And in the far more eloquent words of one of personal faves, Pema Chodron:

Be willing to have a compassionate relationship with the parts of yourself that you feel are not worthy of existing.

YES.