Put down the whip, sweet child.

A quick reminder that you don’t have to beat the shit out of yourself to get to where you want to be. While some humans operate under the false notion that they have to kick their own asses in order to succeed, the opposite happens to be true: nurturing and gently loving yourself is a far more effective approach. Shame and self-blame are not motivators, my friend. They keep us feeling stuck, sad and oftentimes, lonely. Being kind to ourselves can help spear head life long change and result in authentic joy.

We cannot hate ourselves into better behavior. -Tara Brach

I know that you’ve likely been holding that whip for so long that it feels like an extension of your arm, a permanent part of your body that would be impossible to rid yourself of. But as a former whip holder myself [Full disclosure: I most certainly still pick it up. Self-love is a practice I am yet to perfect], I can assure you that it is not impossible to loosen the reigns and set that whip to the side. After all, isn’t it exhausting to be so cruel to yourself?

I think this is a good time of year to address this topic (as we all probably know by now, I always* think it’s a good time to address this topic), because, ya know—the holidays! The end of another year! These can be times of great joy and celebration, and also a time that elicites a lot of Big emotions for a Lot of people. It can be a lonely time, a time for grieving, a time for “I should have already” and “why didn’t I yet” narratives to start floating through our heads. We are such fascinating creatures in that we have the greatest capacity to love, and yet we have an equally great tendency to turn on ourselves, to persecute ourselves for so much as sneezing in the wrong direction. Ease up, love.

**Sidenote on why I revisit the topic of self-compassion so often: In both my personal and professional experience, learning how to be kind to yourself is where the work must begin. You can apply every evidence-based modality under the sun to your theraputic reporatire—CBT, DBT, ACT (all of which are amazing)—but I don’t believe you will find what you are seeking (which I imagine is some freedom from your inner demons) if you don’t learn how to be more loving with yourself first.

What would it be like to treat yourself like a human being who is entitled to a W I D E margin of error? Can you consider that error, mistakes, mishaps, fuck ups, if you will, are all a part of the process? Not only are they a part of the process, but they are a necessary part that results in some of our greatest measures of growth.

Not so long ago I had someone in my office, clearly fed up of my many uses of the word gentle and soft, not-so-softly inquire “What does that even MEAN—to be gentle with yourself?” Really good question, I responded. If this is not something that was mirrored to you in your family system, or taught to you along the way, it is a concept that can feel completely foreign. The way I described it that day in my office was: “To be gentle with yourself means being kind to yourself. While simple, this does not always feel easy. It means dropping self-judgment and negative storylines you tell yourself, about yourself, and embracing ALL of you—imperfections included.” To be completely honest, I probably didn’t articulate it quite so lovely in the moment—but it was something to that effect.

And so, here are a few tips on how to get in touch with the compassionate part of yourself—and yes, you do have that part. I promise. It may just take a little time to get in touch with it.

Simply notice. Start to pay attention to the little voice inside your head (yep, we’ve all got one) and the way in which it is narrating your day to day existence. I recommend jotting down exactly what you are hearing— “I am noticing I am…” Becoming aware of the ways in which we talk to ourselves is the first step in shifting the language. Some of us (many of us—okay, most of us) are on such autopilot that we don’t even realize how nasty we can be to ourselves. When you slow down long enough to hear the ways you are bullying and berating yourself, you may be more inclined to flip the script. Warning: this step requires slowing down long enough to allow time to notice. It’s okay to move at a more mindful pace. There’s no rush. I repeat: there is no rush. This 3-minute practice is a good place to begin.

Love on your Little Self. If talking to your present day self in kind and inviting tones feels too overwhelming, consider talking to Little [insert your name here] in a warm and welcoming manner. Perhaps you can make a photo of yourself as a child the screen saver on your phone or put together a little photo montage of your younger years to look at when you notice yourself sinking into a dark space or talking to yourself unkindly. Would you ever consider talking to Little You in that way? Then why is it okay to treat present day you in this way? If you find yourself able to make a clear case for why it would be okay to treat yourself unkindly, it’s probably a good idea to present this case to a professional and take a closer look at it together. You entered this world oozing love out of every pour—Every. Single. One. Then shit happened— people happened, environments happened, trauma may have happened. Things out of your control happened. Being unkind to yourself is learnt behavior, and so is self-compassion. It may feel unnatural at first. That’s okay. Stick with it.

Put down the whip. I know by now you’ve likely picked it back up. It’s okay—I get it. You’re not alone. Please, please be patient with yourself.

Never underestimate the power of compassionately recognizing what’s going on. - Pema Chodron

To review: Firstly, put down the whip. Next, work on building awareness by slowing down and noticing the harsh tones in which you talk to yourself. Finally, begin to shift the story by talking to Little You in a kind and loving manner. Soon thereafter…we notice the gnarly tone has returned (how very human of us!), we put the whip down again, repeat repeat repeat.

Let’s practice together, shall we?

Additional resources:

RAIN: Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture: Learn how to recognize what’s going on, allow it to be what it is, investigate with curiosity and care and compassionately nurture yourself. RAIN is a loving approach to navigating your way through difficult moments. This page offers more insight into RAIN as both a formal meditation practice and as a tool for on-the-spot healing.

Self-Compassion.org: Kristin Neff is the Queen Bee of self-compassion, one of the fields true pioneers. On her site you will find research, practices, trainings, books and more.