Where can you soften, darling?

Pre-post disclaimer: Softness with self is a practice. Like any other practice, it can be challenging at first. It may be hard to adapt your inner dialogue to a kinder, gentler tone, and so we must attempt to be soft with ourselves even in the process of learning how to be soft (what? I know…). If you find that this task is nearly impossible, it’s probably a good idea to connect with a therapist, a coach or a loving human you trust, and talk about it more. There’s help, and there’s hope. You are not alone.

As the sun begins to set at an earlier hour and the season shifts from summer to fall, where in your life, right now, can you allow space for softness?

If you are student, can you remind yourself that you are not your grades? Can you remind yourself that your worth does not increase or decrease based on your ability to make the [insert sport here] team? Can you offer the gnarly critic inside your head some melatonin and tell that critic it’s time to take a nap? Soft.

Can you let go of the incessant need to be doing, doing, doing and consider taking 5 minutes daily for complete stillness? Take a break, dear one, and BE with yourself, with the sounds, with your breath. Try it. You might be amazed by what you discover. Soft.

Can you set intentions that serve yourself and the greater good without forcing, pushing, prodding or attaching to the outcome? Can you avoid berating, bullying and judging yourself if the outcome does not look as you might have anticipated it would? Gentle, sweet human. Gentle.

Can you lower your expectations? Yes, I said lower. Can you let go of the prospect of perfect (spoiler alert: nothing and no one ever is) and accept what is and how things look? How about you toy with the idea that maybe, just maybe, everything is exactly as it’s supposed to be. Light.

Can you lower the volume on the IBSC (itty bitty shitty committee) that’s pipping up inside your head? What would it be like to take a back seat and observe those thoughts, rather than get caught up in them? What would it feel like to watch them float by and consider that they are just thoughts: you do not have to follow them. They are just thoughts: you do not have to believe everything you think. They are just thoughts. Loving.

What if we all called Bullshit on the inner gremlin that’s shouting “Summer is over, time to get our butts in gear—and quickly!" and decided to extend summer mentality just a little bit longer? What if we gave ourselves permission to carry summer-like thinking into the next 10 months of the year, making it an every day endeavor to cut ourselves a little more slack, to speak to ourselves in kind and compassionate tones, to find stillness in the light of the sun? What if…

Soften into the possibility, darling. Soften and surrender. Set a precedence for the way you’d like others to treat you, by first, treating yourself that way: soft, gentle, light and loving.

Practices for cultivating softness with self

These meditation and breathing exercises are tools that can be helpful to you as you learn to find pockets of lightness for letting be, letting go and softening toward yourself and others. I love applying these tools in a more “formal” practice and on-the-spot.

Metta: The Pali word for loving-kindness (friendliness, benevolence), metta meditation is a practice where you offer loving kindness toward both yourself and others by repeating phrases such as “May I be healthy, may I be happy, may I be safe, may I live in peace.” You can extend these phrases first to yourself, then to someone you love, someone neutral in your life and if you’re really brave, in a gesture of goodwill, you can extend these phrases toward someone you don’t love so much. There are tons of wonderful guided practices on the app Insight Timer. Start small. A few minutes a day is a wonderful place to begin. This is one of my favorite on-the-spot practices. You can extend metta to yourself after a difficult conversation, toward others while on line at the grocery store or even toward each person you pass throughout the day.

Body scan: Body scan meditations can literally help you to soften—your brows, your jaw, shoulders, your belly, your thighs, your right pinky toe…and your left one, too. By taking the time to relax and get in touch with the parts of your body where you most frequently hold tension, you have an opportunity to both let go both physically and emotionally. Where do you feel pinched, stuck or stiff? Sometimes, we will discover it is our mind that holds the most tension. Where can you soften, allow space and slow down? Search the app for “body scans” or “yoga nidra” (nidra is the Sanskirt word for “sleep” as these meditations can make you feel dazed and delightful). Body scans are great as a quick self check-in once you’ve found yourself seated to begin your day. Simply scan head to toe and find where you might benefit from a letting go, even just a little bit.

Pranayama: One of the 8 limbs of yoga (part of Patanjali's eight-fold path), pranayama is the practice of breath control. This is an easy-to-utilize-anywhere tool. A great place to start with this practice is inhaling for shorter lengths than we exhale. Breathing in this manner helps us to tap into our parasympathetic nervous system. Often referred to us “rest and digest,” this is the part of our nervous system that literally helps us to soften, to calm down and destress. If your monkey mind is getting the best of you, try breathing in for 3 seconds and breathing out for 6. If that feels like too much, try breathing in for 2 and breathing out 4. If it feels safe and comfortable for you, close your eyes. If it feels right for you, perhaps you can pause at the top of the inhale for a beat, and at the end of the exhale for another. Observe your breath, be still and notice your racing mind slow slow slow slow s l o w down.