Emotional intimacy is tricky!

Full disclosure: being a therapist does not mean that you get a gold-star in the building and maintaining of interpersonal relationships. It does not mean you do not struggle with letting down your walls, in finding flexibility within the love you create with others or in remaining open, loving and grounded at all times. If it did mean that, I would have started my career long before I did.

The truth is, being a therapist, a good therapist, only increases your awareness around how to engage more openly and effectively, with both yourself and others. It gives you better tools to navigate the complexities of life. It is up to you/me/us to apply these tools. Insight alone, dear one, will not get us well (though it sure would be fun if it did!).

Being a therapist is just a job, a challenging one at that. But being a human? WAY harder. So much harder. Such a beautiful and magical experience. If we can allow our hearts to remain open, our minds to be curious and our senses to be tainted, there is so much for us here on this wild and wacky planet. And…it’s tough stuff.

Security, love, trust, open and honest communication—these are the foundations for building intimacy within a relationship, be it with yourself or with another. How we show up for and treat ourselves is often a direct reflection of how we show up for and treat others. Are we loving and honest with ourselves? Are we secure within ourselves? Do we trust ourselves? These are important questions to consider. If the answer to any or all of these questions is no, I encourage further compassionate curiosity, and perhaps a conversation with a professional, to find out why. I repeat: emotional intimacy is some tricky shit!

Here are a few insider tips from someone who has humbly fumbled in this arena before finding some solid footing—operative word being some. I still fumble. I am 100% certifiably human.

Look within. Be willing to look at yourself honestly. Not harshly, not judgmentally—honestly. Consider the role you play in relationships, how you show up and who you show up as. This is not about changing who you inherently are to fit into someone else’s idea of who you should be. No, no, no! This is about taking some self-inventory that can lead to personal growth—and can create more intimacy and connection in your relationship firstly with yourself, as well as with others. Looking within can come in the form of journaling, meditating (which increases self-awareness through stillness and breath), talking to a therapist and literature, podcasts, informative articles that encourages self-exploration, helping you to become curious about the you that you are and the you that is always becoming. Whatever path you seek toward deeper self-discovery, do so with compassion and kindness. This practice truly helps you to build an inner sense of trust and knowing. It’s intimate.

Ask for what you need (spoiler alert: you may not get it). It is okay to need. Needing people does not make you needy. It makes you human. It is okay to ask for what you need from others. I think we call this vulnerability…Asking for what you need from someone you care for can be scary. Not only because you may not be met with receptivity, but also because it can make us feel dependent or weak. I am here to tell you that this is a BS storyline that requires some edits: it takes great courage and strength to speak up and ask for what you need in a relationship—whether it be a hug, more quality time together or a ride to the airport. Don’t assume that people can’t show up for you in the way that you desire and deserve. Ask and ye shall receive. Always? No. And if we notice we are consistently feeling unseen or heard by someone, that’s good information for us. Perhaps it’s time to reconsider the role this particular person is playing (or not playing, for that matter) in your life.

Remain open. This one can be hard—and so worth it. You will get hurt. Your heart may shatter into a million little pieces. People may disappoint you (edit: people WILL disappoint you). Life will at times feel unfair. Can you still keep your heart open? Can you still allow love to come in? Can you still consider that being in relationship with others—true, intimate, deep, meaningful and loving relationships—is one of the greatest gifts this life has to offer? I’m all for a deep belly laugh solo style, but there are few more fulfilling things in this life than sharing a hearty and heartfelt laugh with your best friend. If you allow hurt or pain or disappointment to shape your life, if you close your heart due to fear, you may feel like you are protecting yourself from more pain, but you will also be cutting yourself off from wonderment, joy, pleasure and lots of love. Again: this is hard. And depending on the depth of your wounds, it may sound nearly impossible. If that is the case, I encourage professional help to guide you through this journey—you are not alone.

Say the thing you want to say. Need I say more? Stop monitoring or editing or holding back. Feel free to insert eye roll here, but please (please!!) consider doing this—toy with the idea of saying the thing you need to say—not to your team of co-pilots who have heard the story several times (we all need a good ol’ team of co-pilots)—but to the actual human person who needs to hear it. We spend so much time waiting, wondering, worrying—as Ram Dass puts it in one of my favorite quotes in Becoming Nobody “It’s all so poignantly, beautifully horrible [insert laughter here]…does she, does he, will they, won’t they, can I, can’t I, what will they think if I do? Oh ye ha ye ha. Hello. Goodbye. I miss you. I love you. Go away.” We spend so much time in our head playing out storylines and scenarios that never come to fruition. What if you allowed yourself to seen—and heard? What if you said the thing you want to say? Even if you don’t get the response you desire, you’ll get the answer that you need. And , your co-pilots will be there to offer you support.

If we allowed our scars and scrapes to be seen, reveled our idiosyncrasies and shed our insecurities—we would see that we are all quite similar. We are all imperfect. We are all a little bit lost, simply trying to find our way back home. What if we walked through this together? Intimacy awaits us at many turns. Let’s be brave, lean in and welcome it with open arms.